How photography helped me through loss
Photography has been a part of my life now for around 10 years, it started out as a way of documenting our experiences when visiting Scotland, it felt exciting, refreshing and absolutely fascinated me. Photography provided a way of sharing some of the incredible scenery that captured our hearts with family and friends and was also a way of creating some much needed down time from work. Ten years down the line and I still can’t wait to pick up the camera bag and head out, it transformed our lives and has provided so much more than creating an image.
Theres one outing with the camera that had a profound effect on me very early on, I remember spending an afternoon on a rugged beach on the Isle of Skye that we still talk about today, we’d been staying at a cottage on the west coast and took a wonder down to the nearest beach with our cameras. Back then i used a Nikon point & shoot, I don’t remember the model but it wasn’t an expensive camera, nothing fancy, it was an automatic camera that did the job. The weather wasn’t great, typical Scottish weather, the sort that you wouldn’t usually venture out in but we were on holiday and wanted to enjoy our time.
We wondered around photographing shells, seaweed, rock pools and anything that sparked an interest, completely oblivious to the cold grey skies. In that moment nothing else entered my head, I was completely absorbed in the experience enjoying every second, it’s hard to explain that feeling, it’s almost like entering a mindful state, being fully present and so focused on the environment and photography that everything else disappears. Four hours passed that day in what felt like 20 minutes and to this day I still experience the same calmness and tranquility when heading out with the camera.
What started out as a way of creating memories became a huge passion but quite quickly became a distraction, helping me through some of the most difficult times of my life. In August 2017 my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was given six to nine months of time. My dad was the rock of the family, he was a true gentleman, kind, warm, funny, considerate and incredibly respectful, caring for my mum who had problems with her own health for many years. It absolutely floored me and our family. The months that followed were harrowing, trips to Christies Hospital in Manchester for treatment in the hope that we’d have a chance of fighting it, some hope that the diagnosis could be challenged, the emotional ups and downs, the hopes and fears were overwhelming. It felt like someone was squeezing my chest the whole time, a tightness that wouldn’t lift. The details of what happened are still far too difficult to speak about but seeing my beautiful strong dad deteriorate so quickly was heartbreaking, the impact it had on my mum equally so. Towards the end, dad was offered a place at a hospice, but he wanted to be at home and we wanted to look after him. We would take turns to sit with dad through the night in case he needed anything and to make sure somebody was with him in case of any emergency.
Those times at night whilst dad was sleeping were incredibly difficult, I was emotionally all over the place, my mind wondering and racing away with itself, feeling angry that there wasn’t something that could be done, feeling empty, feeling like I was already grieving for him before he’d gone, like I was losing myself, a whole host of emotions that weighed me down.
Physically heading out to enjoy photography had been sidelined, I stopped the wedding and portrait photography and postponed trips away as I wanted to spend as much time as possible with mum & dad. Instead, I created family photographs of mum & dad together with the family. Time was precious and being able to create these moments meant the world to me. Before dad became too poorly, we all arranged to stay in a huge holiday rental close to where my brother lives down South, we spent the week enjoying each other’s company and making lovely memories. The photographs from the week away are incredibly special to us and I’m thankful for them every day.
What also became a huge distraction was the ability to learn more about landscape photography. I’d been enjoying a variety of genres of photography but craved the tranquility of the landscape more than anything. When I found my head racing, I would find an opportunity to read & watch tutorials, I’m a very visual learner so found YouTube the perfect place to try and take my mind off things for a while, watching others head out into the landscape, sharing their experience, taking in any tips or information along the way. This without any doubt was escapism and my way of dealing with what was happening.
Dad passed away on the 8th April 2018, a day after his 70th birthday and also on Max’s Birthday. The few months after that are a complete blur to be honest, I don’t have much recollection at all. Life starts to find a new way of normal but your mind and body doesn’t match the pace.
The following 12 months were about supporting Mum, she had her own health concerns that meant daily life wasn’t easy for her. She had difficulties with her mobility and her mental health, she also had COPD, a chronic lung condition. It was hard managing grief, balancing a full time pressurised job and caring for mum but again photography kept me going through those difficult times. I invested in a set of ND filters and would head out into the landscape and to the coast at any opportunity we could find to put into practice what I had learned online. That feeling we experienced on the beach on the Isle of Skye when everything disappears from your mind, the mindfulness, the peace and relaxation of just you, your camera and the outdoors definitely was the therapy I needed. It was a release and felt like a breath of fresh air.
We nearly lost mum in 2019. Having COPD meant that mum would quite often have chest infections which could lead to pneumonia, mum had become very poorly, she was taken into hospital where the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. After over a week in hospital thankfully mum pulled through but needed more care coming out of hospital than before, as a family we rallied around to make sure the appropriate care & support was put in place, organised a mobility scooter for her and increased our visits and daily phone calls. It was always a concern and a constant worry about mum that weighed on my mind.
The whole world then changed the following year with the pandemic, the first concern was with our parents, my mum and Max’s mum. I won’t write about the impact the pandemic had as we all faced the same worries, concerns and difficulties during this time but that period from March when we couldn’t head out into the Landscape for photography was difficult, it was my way of healing and my way of dealing with what had happened over the last 18 months. The pandemic was like a full stop, a complete change in the way we lived our lives which very quickly became a reset for many people.
Returning to work late July, was now working from home, we also returned to the news that we were faced with restructuring at work which brough the risk of redundancy. This was huge, we both worked for the same company, if we both lost our jobs the fear was losing our home. I’d worked for the business for 26 years and hadn’t really experienced working anywhere else. We had many sleepless nights and lots of conversations around what to do if we were to lose our jobs. The process went on for a few months, at the end of it Max kept her job, I was made redundant but retained on a short-term contract as one of our team were away on secondment. If she didn’t return, I would keep my job, so the process became far more drawn out which just added to the anxiety we felt at the time.
Then in December of 2020 mum became really unwell very quickly. She was taken into hospital with breathing difficulties and placed onto a sideward. Due to the pandemic we were unable to visit mum at the hospital which was incredibly difficult. Initially not being able to see her and fully understand what was happening added to our distress. They informed us that mum had covid and would likely not recover this time. Mum passed away on the 20th December, we were able to visit and stay with her in her last few days which I am incredibly grateful for as I am aware that many families didn’t have this opportunity. Due to the restrictions at the time, mum’s funeral was not how we would have wanted it. There were a lot of things that we were unable to do, like see mum at the funeral home, they were unable to dress her in the clothes that she would have liked, unable to carry out the personal touches that would usually happen. We were unable to hold a wake for her, unable to sing in church, so many things that feel that she didn’t have the send off she deserved which still upsets me today.
The period of time from finding out about dads illness to mum passing away are the worst years of my life. It felt like just beginning to deal with one thing before the next one hit harder and harder again. Losing both parents, the pandemic and facing redundancy from work all in just over two and a half years had a major impact on my mental health.
Photography throughout played a huge part in recovering, calmed me and slowed my mind. It gave me something to focus on and something to feel passionate & enthusiastic about. Something to look forward to and something to work towards. When we talk about the benefits of photography, it isn’t just about creating an image, it provides so much more. The benefits of photography are enormous, it keeps us active and continually develops our knowledge, we’ve also met so many lovely people through photography, we’ve visited some of the UK’s most spectacularly beautiful locations and experienced so many things that we would never have seen. The love of photography has also seen us relocate to be nearer to the landscape that inspires us, this transformed our lives meaning we feel much more fulfilled than ever before.
What is now also very special is seeing how my photography affects others in a positive way. From chatting to people about photography in general and seeing their passion and enthusiasm grow, from seeing and hearing peoples reaction to a printed image when they say they can feel the mood and atmosphere, when total strangers spark a conversation about an image that I have created because it strikes a chord with them, when someone makes a purchase because of how the image makes them feel and when people tell you that an image you created holds a special memory for them too. That’s the power of photography and printing an image can have, something that started out as a distraction and way of improving your wellbeing almost comes full circle for then someone else to find happiness and enjoyment in for years to come.
I’d like to close the blog by referring back to my memory on the beach on the Isle of Skye, my camera wasn’t anything fancy or the latest in technology, it was a fully automatic point & shoot. You don’t need to have the best equipment to have the most meaningful experiences. Whatever camera you have is more than enough to head out into the fresh air and enjoy the benefits of photography.